The Land of NeverWas

Where all the "Might Have Beens" live

Archive for the category “satire”


Hi! My name is Rufus McDingle and I’d like to tell you about the new self-help book I just wrote to help men with romance.

“Bumblin’, Stumblin’ and Faceplantin’ for Her Heart.”

It’s impossible for men NOT to fuck up so I decided to help you recover with grace, dignity and to look good doing it.

It’s only a buck fitty so buy your copy today!



there will be nothing left for you to see.
no inkling of anything to do with me.
nothing here, nothing there,
there will be nothing for you anywhere.
you have made your choice,
so no more will my voice,
share a thing or a feeling,
or pour out of my being,
in heartfelt love or pain.
it will wash away with the rain.

in the dark when your heart gently weeps
at the things you denied but which it still keeps
close to itself, all alone does it cry,
asking, with mine, why why why?
something that shall never be answered,
by thought, by deed or even by word.
i can’t fight the enemy of the past
and finally at long last
i just have to let the thing
go and, hurt as it may, become nothing.

The sad life of Sperm A. Tozoa

It must be a hard life, being a sperm. Think about it. Until you pop out of that dark tunnel you’re not sure where you’re going to be. Oh sure. You know where you’re supposed to be. Wiggling your way up that cervix, trying to beat all of your other sperm competition to get at that egg prize. But how many don’t? Those unfortunate little soldiers pop out and see a bathroom sink rushing up at them right before they end in porcelain death. Screaming all the way down. “Siiinkkkk…you son of a biiittttchhh!!!” Or a floor. Or a sheet. A face. Boobs. A back. Ass cheeks. A rubber device of some sort. The possibilities are nearly endless. You might even start out thinking you made it to the right orifice only to realize you’d been tricked as you slide past the tonsils. “Hey, did anyone see George?” “Yeah I think he got stuck in her teeth!” Poor guys. Best not to even think about anal trickery. The horror would be too much to bear. But I bet in all the history of sperm, there have been a few smart ones that said “You know what? Fuck that egg! I’m staying a sperm. You ever see what happens after you become a baby? No thanks!” Sadly, those would be the ones you’d want to fertilize an egg and propagate the species. We’d all be much smarter then.

The Meaning of Life

At a very early age I was led to the toilet by my mother so that I could go from being a pet to being a child and thus hopefully becoming a human being one day. (My poor dear mother is still waiting for that latter to occur.) Over the many years of visiting the toilet, I have come to an amazing, some would say perhaps even an astounding conclusion. The meaning of life is shit. Everything we do revolves around it. We eat shit, we watch shit, we listen to shit, we talk shit, we buy shit. Some people even actually give a shit (or so I hear). And then when we can consume no more shit. We take a shit.

So there you have it. The Meaning of Life.

Glad to be of service.

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