The Land of NeverWas

Where all the "Might Have Beens" live

Archive for the category “heartbreak”

Dark days, dismal nights.

I was calm. Outwardly.

But inside I could feel fear hardening in my belly like a ball of antimatter. And I knew if I let it out of its containment field, I would explode into a spreading flame of helpless fright. I knew I couldn’t do that. I had to keep it together for my baby girl. And my sons. And even their mother, who I was sharing more moments with than I had since our divorce over ten years ago.

It was hard. So hard. Sitting there watching her unconscious, tubes of all sizes sticking out of her from all locations top and bottom. The rhythm of my day was the harsh hiss and sigh of the breathing apparatus she was hooked up to, keeping her alive since she couldn’t breathe on her own. I would watch her laying there, wanting so desperately for her to wake up and talk to me again. About boys, about soccer, about work, about life. Anything. Even an annoyed eye roll would have been joyous. And she did wake up on occasion, but there was no joy then, only more agony for us both. Her drugged stupor would temporarily wear off and I would witness frantic desire to be rid of the tube in her mouth, throat and lungs. A wordless mouthing of an impassioned plea. “I want to go home. Please.” The tears would roll out of her eyes, each drop speaking clearly words she could not say.

But still, my own eyes remained dry. I could not let her see my agony. I could not be weak when she needed strength. All I could do was brush her tears away, stroke her hair and whisper “I know baby, I know.” and try to calm her as much as possible until she fell back into unconsciousness as the drugs swept her once more into whatever place they took her. I wondered if she dreamed. It’s possible, I suppose. Her brow would furrow, her hand, restrained to prevent her removing her tube, would make motioning movements. I could only wait in helpless agony, wanting to do what a father should do and make it all better. Protect my child, ease her pain, calm her fears. But I was helpless. It was a helplessness that made me feel as if I were in a wakened form of her current condition. Unable to express what I wanted to say, unable to move in any way that mattered, unable to do anything but wait and watch and hope and look forward to the day she could wake up and talk to me again.

And then she did.

Now, though there is a long fight to get back to where she was, and things are not normal, we can talk, we can hug, we can say I love you and we can even argue. Sometimes. Which seems stupid as well as…normal. Even though things aren’t. I’ll take it. I’ll take those dark days disappearing into the distance. I’ll help them along by driving fast down the road of yesterdays. I’ll scream with joy with my head out the window.

And in the dark, at night, by myself where no one will see I’ll let loose the fear, little by little, not so much that I explode but just enough to let it leak out of my eyes.

the insanity of cupid’s arrows

Is it cowardice to armor one’s heart against the barbed arrows of a Cupid gone mad? One who shoots his arrows without regard to consequence? Is it cowardice to wish to avoid the pain of his pernicious arrow sinking in to my heart alone? The arrow that he so maliciously forgot to also shoot into the one I fell in love with?

“Perhaps, it is. But I don’t care.” I think as I buckle the armor on and shut my beating heart away into the darkness once again.

shaking & shattering

I’m shaking.

I don’t know whether it is from the coffee on an empty stomach or the flurry of emotions that are swirling inside of me, bumping themselves along my nerves and up against my skin. I think it may be a combination of the two and I hope that the emotions aren’t able to find a crack in my facade and work themselves out. They are trying with everything they possess. I feel as if I have an earthquake dwelling within me and it is only a matter of time before I break from the constant shivering.

What started it? What was the butterfly effect? What seemingly innocent action somewhere else set into motion the little ripple that grew into this tsunami inside of me that threatens to drown me in ruin? I don’t know. It’s probable I don’t ever want to know. I wonder how he did it? What words did he use? What caught her eye about him? Did he make her laugh? Did he make her feel special? Did he make her feel sexy? What did he do that I never could? What was it about him that turned her on so much? What the fuck did he do or have that turned her away? What caused her to leave me here

shaking and shattering?

phantom

I am lightly dreamt and poorly written.

A ghost of memory spied upon the mirror.

The falling echo of a word unspoken.

All that I am is see-through and you walk within me unknowing.

flood

I didn’t think I had

that many tears inside of me.

They came in a flood

and every one had your name in it.

The goodbyes streaked down my face

and spattered onto my dreams

bursting them with the softest of pops.

My throat was sore

as if the pain in my heart

had caught there.

I walked in the rain

so no one could tell

the difference between

the tears from the sky

and the tears from within.

I hoped for lightning to strike me down

but the only bolt that shook me was

the one that kept shattering me

over and over again.

The final goodbye that struck my

tree of hope and

left it a burning, smoking husk

charred beyond recognition.

My tears rained down

in torrents and all I held dear

was washed away in the

flood.

time

time to let the tears
flow
and get it over with

time to let hope
go
and stop being foolish

time to realize
that
she is happy while i am sad

time to hurt so
badly
that i can barely breathe

time to try and
be
happy for her despite the pain

time to wave
goodbye
and stop keeping it all in

time to cry,
yes,
time to cry and say goodbye

time to admit
that
it’s just time.

nothing

there will be nothing left for you to see.
no inkling of anything to do with me.
nothing here, nothing there,
there will be nothing for you anywhere.
you have made your choice,
so no more will my voice,
share a thing or a feeling,
or pour out of my being,
in heartfelt love or pain.
it will wash away with the rain.

in the dark when your heart gently weeps
at the things you denied but which it still keeps
close to itself, all alone does it cry,
asking, with mine, why why why?
something that shall never be answered,
by thought, by deed or even by word.
i can’t fight the enemy of the past
and finally at long last
i just have to let the thing
go and, hurt as it may, become nothing.

bewilderment

n: The condition of being confused or disoriented.

Even after I said clearly what was happening, you just stood there, saying nothing.
I’m not sure what hurt the worst: having to admit it was over or believing that I meant so little.

blind

I see plans for the future
that suck the hope right out of me.

I see words exchanged
that cut right through the soul of me.

I see touches shared
that make my heart scream to the sky.

I see too much
and it makes me wish that I was blind.

thoughtless

10 o’clock
i bet they’re fucking right now
(stop)
his hands are all over her
she’s got herself wrapped around him
(stop it)
wonder what’s on tv
maybe she’s watching tv too
(stop doing this to yourself)
lying there half asleep
thinking about me
(stop)
no, i doubt i cross her mind
she walked away far too easily
(stop it)
in a few days i’ll be a vaporous thought
adrift on the winds of yesterday
(stop doing this to yourself)
ah, i need a drink to numb the pain
no, alcohol is like ingesting liquid depression
(stop)
but fuck it, who cares
i sure the fuck don’t
(stop it)
just like her
oh god, she’s going to marry him
(stop doing this to yourself)
i need a tourniquet to stop
the flow of thoughts
racing through my head
not to mention the gut wrenching
pain, that has to
(stop)
(stop it)
(stop doing this to yourself)
i need to find a way to stop
thinking
please let me find a way to become
thoughtless

run

run
run like
you never have before
run as if
behind you is a snarling carnivore
don’t look back just
run
run until
your lungs feel like fire
run because
that monster of desire
will crack your bones
and you’ll never
run again
run

emotional suicide

i want to commit

emotional suicide

i want to kill

these things inside

not my body

i don’t want to die

just for these feelings

to fuck off i insist

drown them

choke them

slit their fucking wrists

whatever it takes

for them to go away

and to never return another day

void

void

no more

the rock will set

the stone will fall

the iron will encase

the thorns will protect

the ice will numb

time will dull

no more

void

I Have Lost My Skin

I have lost my skin

and all the nerves once held

within

now dangle raw and exposed.

The light of day. Hurts.

The cool breeze. Hurts.

The dream in sleep. Hurts.

The dark of night. Hurts.

The taking in of breath. Hurts.

The opening of my eyes. Hurts.

The laughter of others. Hurts.

The beauty of the sunset. Hurts.

The pattering of the rain. Hurts.

The dull pattern of life. Hurts.

The memory of you. Hurts.

Everything. Hurts.

Now dangling raw and exposed

the nerves no longer held

within

For I have lost my skin.

Fuck My “Beautiful Heart”

“You have a beautiful heart”, she told me. I’m not sure why, since it made no difference.

But, you are about to slice it into tiny pieces.

“I’m sorry I have to cause it pain.”

Then don’t. Stop right now and don’t say the words. Not those words. Say the ones that will keep it beautiful.

The thing she missed, the thing she never seemed to understand was that she made it beautiful. Really it’s a scarred up ugly old thing. A beast that she touched and, like a miracle, all the scars went away and it was as fresh as the day before it fell in love for the very first time. Before that first girl dug her claws into it and squeezed with a vicious little smile on her face.

From then on, I knew that love was not a game I would win.

Everything has been completely backwards. When I loved I lost and when I didn’t care they were all over me. Why in the hell was it like that? The only conclusion I could reach is that romance, like everything else, had been dumbed-down. Instead of words written straight from the heart, the effort of letting Hallmark speak for you is all that a man needs now. Buy her a card hundreds of others could buy, grab some flowers that will die before the week’s end. Clumsily compose a few words that were aimed more at creating guilt and manipulation than passion. Whatever. It’s an “A” for effort even though it’s the emotional equivalent of a burp. I was left in the same dust as Shelley and Lord Byron, despite my being alive now. And the little ashes of me were blowing away in the wind.

She stood there and looked at me, what she felt in her heart at that moment as enigmatic as the Sphynx. A mystery that I would never solve.

“Well, later, I guess”, she said quietly, then turned and walked away. With every step, as she grew smaller, I felt my heart grow smaller. It began to fall in upon itself and then implode. I was left confused and bewildered by her leaving everything she professed to desire. Generic: 1,350,072 Genuine: 0.

Hello Emptiness, my old friend.

“I knew you’d be back”, smirked Emptiness. “You’re such a fool.”

I knew Emptiness was right and vowed to never again tear myself inside out for anyone. I would bottle it all up and never take the cap off. There was no vessel out there worthy of pouring myself into after all. I was tricked yet again. I saw crystal when there was only plastic.

Yet, I also knew I was full of shit. Deep inside me there was still that tiny small ember I can never extinguish. One that still longs for the breeze that will fan it into a flame yet again. I even hoped it would be her, that a sudden epiphany would strike her heart down like a bolt of lightning and bring her back to me, electrified by the realization that only wrapped in my arms would she feel the passion she was looking for.

But reality set in. “Later, I guess”, she had said but it felt more like goodbye.

So regretfully I turned my eyes away from the spot where she had disappeared and thought bitterly to myself –

“Fuck my beautiful heart.”

Burn

Yet again. Here I am. Slouching in a darkened room staring out at the heartless black of night. Stars twinkle. Cold light from the moon falls through the window. I ponder the ridiculousness of where I find myself. Questions race through my head. Unanswerable questions. Or perhaps the answers are too horrible for me to acknowledge. So I pretend they are unanswerable to avoid looking them eye to eye. I take out my heart and hold it up in the light of the moon. Twist it, turn it. Admire the scars I have built up over the years. The scars that give truth to the idea that love hurts. Someone once said “You teach people how to treat you.” I understand. I’ve taught people to treat my heart as a target for claws and blades, slings and arrows. Whether intentional or not they’ve raked its tender skin so often it can barely be recognized through the scar tissue. Time may heal all wounds but the scars are a mother fucker. I know that I have put it out as a target and by doing so I have given permission to fire. You’d think it wouldn’t feel anymore. You’d think it would be numb from the constant chafing. And perhaps, hopefully, it will be after this last time.

I sit it on my desktop. Then I reach in to the gaping hole that is left and I pull out what I feel for her…I reach into my head and I pull out the memories, scraping around to be sure and get every last scrap. Nothing can be left. Nothing. It must all burn. I sit and stare at the pile of uselessness that sits before me. Every sweet word, every wasted gesture. I hold my hand to my mouth as I ask myself again and again and again why none of it mattered? Why does it always happen that I want to give it so badly and so freely but it is never taken in a like manner? Appreciated, yes. Remembered, yes. But never reciprocated. I am a brightly lit being, consumed with fire, a conflagration that will only take the fuel of her heart to turn from blue and cold to red and hot. Perhaps that is why she shied away. She feared being consumed by a wildfire she had no idea if she could control. I suppose I’ll never know. I can only wonder at the smoke I see from afar as she fans her own fire, attempting to coax the ragged embers and green wood into a roaring heat. In time, in time. Regardless, her back is turned away from me as she concentrates. I’m not even casting a shadow for her with my radiance.

I strike a match and hold it out towards my little pile, ready to say goodbye as I turn it all into ashes. Turn, turn, I send silently towards her with all my might, hoping desperately that she will stay my hand, because I know that I really want to keep it all inside of me. I don’t want it to burn, but the blue flame hurts too bad. I can’t go on being consumed by cold fire. I have nothing to hold on to. No burn of my lips from her hot kiss, no searing of my skin from the heat of her touch. One last breath.

She will not turn.

Suddenly, I laugh at myself. I realize once and for all I am the king of fools. No, the patron saint, even the God of fools. I deserve a place alongside the rest of Olympus. My own mythology. There Aphrodite will laugh at me for all eternity for daring to think that I could ever find the one I was meant to burn with. I am not blameless. I have turned away from others who did offer me a flame. I haughtily decided that they did not burn brightly enough. That will also be a part of my story. Forever searching, forever not seeing those who deserve for those who do not deserve. It will make fine theater but I wonder if those who come after will truly understand the misery of that existence. I hope they learn from it because I doubt that I shall.

I touch the match to the pile. It burns slowly, as if as reluctant to go as I am to say goodbye, but soon there is a pile of ashes. I scoop them up into the palms of my hand and carry them outside. I look up at the moon. She looks back at me, cold and uncaring, but I am used to that. She holds no pain for me. We have an understanding the moon and I. I hold up my palms and open them slowly. The breeze catches the ashes and takes them away. Not far enough I know. There will be ashes for me to tread on until time finally buries them under the dust of its passing.

I watch them fly and turn back inside. Already I can feel everything I took out of me growing back to haunt me yet again.

Galloping Toward Futility

I’ll pull tight the reins of my heart and no longer let it run free and wild across the meadows of love. It has ran its course, and worked itself up into a breathless lather, chasing the wild ride of happiness. Now it is time to take off the saddle, brush it down and then set it out to lonely pasture. There it will rest and graze and perhaps raise its in head in remembrance whenever it hears the pounding of hooves off in the distance as others fly by – joyful and free.

Love is the cruelest drug of all

For it is only love that can directly pierce your soul. It shoots through your veins giving you a rush of ecstasy unlike anything else man could manufacture. You feel as if you could do anything. Climb the highest mountain, cross the deepest oceans, conquer the whole fucking world. The sky’s the limit as long as that needle is tapping the vein. Then when it is taken from you, it leaves you shattered and shaking, trembling and sleepless, needing a fix so bad you feel as if there are red hot pokers applied directly to every nerve ending in your heart. You would do anything to get it back. Lower and debase yourself, if only, if only, the dealer, the object of your affection would spare you just the tiniest fraction of it. You know you could get by another day if, please, please, please, she would spare you a word, a touch, a kiss. But no, and time goes by. Gradually the addiction begins to subside and the pieces of your life fall back into place. But like any addict, you are never truly recovered, and there is always the next dealer out there somewhere, lurking. Waiting to whisper in your ear “You want to get high with me?” And all the past torment forgotten, you smile and say.

Sure.

Post Navigation