The Land of NeverWas

Where all the "Might Have Beens" live

understand

I want to say
that the pain made me
crazy, just for a minute,
and I lashed out from
hurt and thought if I
wrapped myself in anger
that it would shield me
from the pain I felt
but it didn’t work and
I can never stay angry
at you very long and
once that went away
it all rushed back in and
ganged up on me and
also I knew I wouldn’t
be able to stop talking
to you without some help
so I said the meanest
things I could think of
so you would be angry,
or hate me, just so
no matter how I begged
you would never respond
ever again because
otherwise I just can’t
stay away from you,
the drug of my soul,
but I never thought you’d
turn indifferent to me and
I think that hurts more than
anything and now I wish I
hadn’t done it, but I was too
successful at what I
was trying to do and
now we can’t speak
at all, and I am going
crazy because talking
to you was like making love
to you with my words
and I think I got off
on that more than
anything else because it
touched my soul and
not just my body but
now that is all gone
too because I was
too good at being an
asshole that very last
day, but I wish you
could just forgive me
and let me back in but I
know that won’t happen
because I destroyed it
all like I planned, so
impulsively and finally
and now I’m lost
without you.

Understand?

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6 thoughts on “understand

  1. Reese Smith on said:

    i know the feeling of,
    “I lashed out from
    hurt and thought if I
    wrapped myself in anger
    that it would shield me
    from the pain I felt”

    “no matter how I begged
    you would never respond
    ever again because
    otherwise I just can’t
    stay away from you,
    the drug of my soul”

    and this is beautiful,
    “talking
    to you was like making love
    to you with my words”

  2. toddrinker on said:

    Words seem to harm easier than heal. They should be wielded carefully and with the safety on at all times. I learned this in hindsight unfortunately.

    • Reese Smith on said:

      I too learned that, the hard way. Through your poem you can hopefully save another from making the same mistake. It’s a good quality that you’re able to be accountable, apologize, and move forward. To hurt blindly is unforgiveable, but to self-evaluate and make changes is invaluable.

      • toddrinker on said:

        It is what it is, I am who I am. Passion is a two sided coin and if one can’t take the bad, then they do not deserve the good.

  3. Reese Smith on said:

    Very true.

  4. Devon on said:

    I love this. These words have ran through my head before – I just didn’t know it.

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